Since the pandemic, bullying seems to be on the rise. According to a recent Boys and Girls Club of America survey, 40 percent of youth say they have been bullied at school. Nearly 20 percent of the bullying took place online, and only 55 percent of those victims told an adult.
Many people think of boys as being more aggressive than girls, but girls can be equally as hurtful. “With boys, there might be aggression, punching,” says Dr. Nancy Etcoff, a psychologist at Harvard. “With girls, it’s much more covert. It’s about reputations, freezing individuals out, and excluding them.”
Jocelyn Waters of Middleton, New Jersey, was a tragic victim of social bullying that took place for over a year. The 14-year-old girl’s tormentor was someone who initially pretended to be a friend. Once she gained Jocelyn’s confidence, the bully used Waters’ personal and private information to belittle her on the internet. Although the parents filed complaints at the school before Waters’ suicide, not enough was done to protect their daughter from the bullying. Unfortunately, cases like Jocelyn Waters aren’t that unusual since adults may be aware of the bullying but don’t know how to help.
Decoding the Bully’s Motives
Bullies can take on three different forms. They can be outwardly aggressive and, therefore, not shy about hurting others, or they can be more sneaky through manipulation, social exclusion, or starting a rumor anonymously. The third kind of bully is the one that pretends to be someone’s friend, as in the Jocelyn Waters case. The frenemy is particularly hazardous because of the sensitive information they can gain about a person while pretending to be their friend.
Most bullies are insecure. Tormenting others may make them feel better about themselves or give them a false sense of power. It makes them think they have control over their victims. They often lack healthy social emotions like empathy and remorse.
Hidden Dangers of Social Bullying
Social bullying is purposeful and is meant to harm the victim’s self-esteem, friendships, or social status. Social bullying is most frequently associated with girls around 11 or 12 years old but can occur as young as three. Research shows that both aggressive behaviors and victimization can become stabilized by the time a child is five.
Social bullying can be verbal, which involves taunting or teasing someone, or psychological, which involves gossiping about someone or excluding them from something to make them feel bad. Each of these types of social bullying can take place in the form of cyberbullying, where bullies use social media to say or do things they might not say or do in person. Because cyberbullying often takes place on platforms meant for their peers only, adults are usually unaware of what’s going on until it has been happening for a while.
Detecting Invisible Wounds
Parents and teachers need to learn to recognize the signs of social bullying when it first starts. Young girls who are being bullied socially may be afraid, stressed, or anxious. They may have trouble concentrating on their schoolwork and other responsibilities. They may also have problems with their sleep, energy level, and appetite. Often, they find it hard to relate what is happening to them as bullying. They may undermine the act in their mind or feel that talking to someone may escalate the situation or anger the bully.
“Though relational and verbal attacks — such as gossiping, spreading rumors and intimidation — do not inflict physical wounds, the effects are equally traumatizing for many children,” says Dr. Jennifer Wojciechowski, a psychologist at Sharp Mesa Vista Hospital. “Girls who are bullied may experience social anxiety, loneliness, depression, and diminished self-esteem, and may exhibit acting-out behaviors.” The effects of bullying can last a lifetime, impacting a woman’s ability to form healthy relationships and increasing their risks of depression and substance abuse.
Have an open conversation about bullying with your daughter. Provide them with tools to deal with the situation. Encourage them to report bullying to a trusted adult. A trusted adult can be a parent, family member, teacher, or coach.
Walk Away, Don’t Engage
Since bullies are looking for an adverse reaction from their victims, you can take away their power by not reacting. Stand up straight with your head held high. That kind of body language communicates that you are not vulnerable and cannot be hurt by their behavior. Do not become physical with a bully, as this will only get you into trouble. If the bullying occurs online, do not engage by commenting on it and report the account.
Find your true friends. If you’re being bullied, tell your trusted friends. Avoid being alone where the bullying is taking place, especially if it’s at school. If a bully has found your social media accounts, block them or create a new account. If it is your friend who’s being bullied, stand up for them by telling the bully that their actions are not okay or making a trusted adult aware of the situation. You can also help distance them from the situation by encouraging them not to engage.
Parental Role in Social Bullying
As a parent, you can help your children learn healthy social skills. Teach your daughter how to recognize true friends, those who are respectful, trustworthy, and empathetic. Parental support during disagreements with friends or siblings also helps children view conflict situations as healthy learning opportunities.
The best thing a parent can do for a child being bullied is to offer support simply by listening and showing empathy. Tell them you understand how painful it is. Make sure your daughter knows she is not to blame for the bully’s behavior and that the bully is the one at fault. “It is important to stress to your child that bullying is wrong and that your child isn’t inviting the bullying in some way,” says Dr. Wojciechowski. “It’s also helpful for parents to address the issue with your child’s school rather than taking matters into your own hands, no matter how tempting that may be.”
Parents can also help by making sure that their daughter’s own needs are being met and encouraging her to value and express her own opinions and feelings, which must be met with respect. Helping her find activities she loves and identifying her strengths will increase her self-confidence and provide her with positive things to focus on. Teach your child to have good posture, a strong speaking voice, and good eye contact, which often deter people who engage in bullying. Many times, a bully just wants an easy target.
Ironically, the aggressors suffer some of the same problems. As with all bullies, research shows they have low self-esteem and are more likely to become socially rejected or victims themselves. Parents who witness aggressive behaviors in their children can teach them to see things from the other person’s perspective. Help them find a healthier outlet, such as a sport or volunteering to learn empathy and collaboration.
By learning how to effectively handle difficult situations with their peers, young women can grow to take care of themselves and develop healthy relationships throughout their lives. The best time to learn these social skills is early in life before bullying becomes a real issue.
If you or someone you know is a victim of bullying and has no support or recourse, encourage them to text the word CONNECT to 741741 for free, confidential, 24/7 mental health support offered by Crisis Text Line.