Humans are naturally inclined to empathize with one another, but like a muscle, empathy requires regular strengthening. From birth, our brains are equipped with the mirror-neuron system, making empathy a fundamental part of our nature. This innate ability allows us to sense the pain of others intuitively. For example, a two-year-old may start crying upon seeing another toddler fall on the playground. Such moments enable parents to explain that their child’s distress is due to caring about their friend’s injury.
According to Michele Borba, author of UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, low levels of empathy are associated with bullying, cheating, weak moral reasoning, and mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression. Having low levels of empathy not only affects the people around you but can hurt you as well.
Compassion is learned and comes in time. When a child can separate you from I, they can begin to form compassion. “Toddlers are very focused on me and mine, but you can gradually help your child think about we and us by using inclusive we language yourself,” says Damon Korb, developmental pediatrician and father of five. “For example, you might say, ‘What can we do today that will be fun for all of us?'”
By age three, parents may begin discussing kindness with their children, but such conversations are just one part of raising an empathetic and compassionate person. Here are ten research-based ways how to cultivate empathy and compassion in kids.
Empathize with your child
Children learn empathy by observing us and experiencing our empathy for them. When parents empathize with their children, they develop trusting, secure attachments. That is key to them wanting to act in the same way toward others. Empathizing with your children may include paying attention to their physical and emotional needs, understanding and respecting who they are, and taking a genuine interest in them. You may always get to know your child better at any age by observing them and asking them lots of open-ended questions.
Teach your child how to handle difficult emotions
Often, when children don’t express empathy, another emotion prevents them from doing so. Negative feelings like anger or shame can overpower the ability to care for others. Helping children manage their emotions can allow them to feel empathy. To self-control their feelings, they must first learn how to name them. Then, they can practice pausing, taking a deep breath, and counting to five before reacting. Teach them how to do this when they are calm. You may also have your child practice resolving conflicts with you. Consider a situation that turned out poorly, and have them role-play different ways of responding.
Learn empathy through imagination
Thinking about “What would that feel like?” is one of the most potent habits we can instill in our children. “You can’t be a compassionate person unless you have an active imagination—you have to be able to step into someone else’s shoes,” says Katherine Applegate, author of award-winning children’s books, including The One and Only Ivan and Wishtree. When your child is old enough, you can ask them to imagine more complicated real-life scenarios as you encounter them.
“I point out differences to my kids without making any judgment so they can form their own opinions,” says Dr. Korb. “I might say, ‘I wonder what it would be like to sleep outside when it’s cold.'” Over time, this type of imaginative process of putting themselves in another’s shoes is automatic.
Use stories to experience someone else’s life
Reading books together is another easy way to experience someone else’s life that might differ significantly from your child’s. Discuss the story with them after reading a book or watching a movie together. “When we read, we imagine with our heart and soul and not just our brain,” says Applegate. “Characters in a book often share their feelings in an even deeper way than they might if they were sitting right in front of you.” Making the time for careful reflection together after experiencing a story can be more impactful than any lesson or lecture you could ever give them.
Encourage kind habits
Kindness can be abstract. By pairing action words with kindness, such as sharing, comforting, supporting, and listening, children can learn how to be kind. Simply saying “please” and “thank you” are small things that add up to so much more. Talk to your child about asking themself what they can do at any given moment to be kind. When you catch your child being kind, help them recognize their own acts of kindness by saying something like, “That was so kind of you to help your classmate with their math homework!”
Show children how to be generous
Giving can foster empathy. Plus, research shows that being generous improves well-being and mental health, benefiting everyone involved. Through simple acts of generosity, children can understand their ability to enact change, regardless of contribution size. This can include volunteering their time to help others or donating their lightly used toys and clothes to the charities they choose. Begin the conversation by asking them what problems they are interested in solving and then help them find the proper organization, such as an animal shelter or an environmental action group.
Be mindful of the qualities you choose to praise
Many parents focus on academic success instead of qualities like kindness. So even if they say they want their children to be kind, if they only praise academic achievement, they may send their kids the wrong message. “Our expectations must be a lot clearer to our kids,” says Borba. “And understanding how kindness benefits children and gives them an advantage for success and happiness might be just the motivator to change our ways.” Please pay attention to what you praise your child for, and ensure you reinforce all of the qualities you want them to exhibit.
Talk to kids about how to stand up for others
A lot of kids don’t help when they see someone getting bullied because they don’t know how to. To expect our kids to intervene, we must teach them how to help defuse confrontational situations. Plus, research shows that the best way to stop bullying is when other peers intervene. Talking to your child about the importance of helping others who are being mistreated is the first component of making sure they don’t end up being bystanders to abuse. By telling the bully what they are doing is wrong, helping their friend walk away from the confrontation, and telling adults about the bullying, children can learn to become people who don’t stand by and do nothing when mistreatment occurs.
Be a model of the qualities you want your children to have
Sometimes, the best thing parents can do is behave in ways they want their children to act. We can’t control their behavior, but we can control our own actions. Fortunately, kids are eager to copy us from a young age, so modeling kindness from when they’re babies goes a long way in raising kind children. As they grow up, your kids will also observe how you treat other people, from subtle interactions with a server in a restaurant to more prominent acts like inviting someone who doesn’t have a place to spend the holidays to your family dinner.
Show empathy toward yourself
Your children watch everything you do, including how you care for yourself. Modeling self-care and being empathetic toward yourself is part of being an empathetic person. When you make the point to find time for yourself, whether reading a book, taking a walk, or meditating, you’re not just caring for yourself but showing your child how to care for themselves. It would be challenging to have compassion for others without compassion for yourself.
In the age of the selfie, a symbol of narcissism and viewing the world from yourself at its center, raising empathetic and compassionate children has never been more critical. Empathy isn’t something that can be taught with a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude, but it must be something parents show their children and model through their interactions with other people, including their children and themselves.
“Empathy has never been more crucial, but the ability to understand how others feel can be nurtured,” says Borba. “It’s up to adults not to let the kids down.”