Shelby Crownover is a counselor at a Round Rock ISD middle school and has spent more than two decades in middle school education. She received her bachelor’s degree from St. Mary’s University and her M.Ed. in School Counseling from Lamar University. Below is the second part of our interview with her, which sheds light on social experiences in middle school, including bullying and friendships.
Part 1 of this blog post can be viewed here.
Q: What should we do about friends who go from being great friends to breaking our trust and spreading rumors about us?
A: I always ask the person potentially at fault what their intentions are. This allows vulnerability on the friend who may have said something unkind or started a rumor. For the friend who was potentially betrayed, we talk about accepting the apology, but also not necessarily being tight with the person/group. Hurt feelings and betrayal are, unfortunately, part of learning how to move past, but also of what to look for in a friend. I am always an advocate for sticking up for yourself, even when the group may not be responsive. We cannot allow people to treat a person/self in an unkind manner. It allows for a continuation/repeat of the behavior. I am not saying to allow the friend back into your life, but to understand that if it were to happen again, it would no longer be a mistake… It was a choice. This would mean they were not your friend in the first place.
Q: How should we handle a situation where one member in a friend group is being isolated by others?
A: Simple… if you notice it, SPEAK UP. Do not allow that in the group. Many times, people are afraid that if they stand up to the dominant person or the one starting the drama, they will lose friends. Once the person confronts them, it actually shifts because others have noticed as well, but are not confident about saying something.
Q: How should we handle a hurtful rumor?
A: If you cannot confront the group/person, it is best to let an adult or someone who can help know. At this time, strategies to help build confidence can also be provided.
Q: How can you spot a bully?
A: Sometimes this is actually quiet. It is the one behind the scenes who may make an unkind comment and get the group to agree. It is also a student who may be charismatic in class, so the teacher does not want to address the behavior because the individual has a strong impact on the classroom dynamic. I have actually seen this very thing happen. The popular kid has so much pull that the adult allows or “does not hear” the comment. It can actually start in the classroom at a very young age. It is imperative that adults enforce consequences and seek help when needed.
Q: How should we balance spending time with a new group while maintaining old friendships?
A: While it is important to juggle new and old friend groups, it is not ok to juggle these so much that it comes at the person’s expense. If you are able to have boundaries and communicate the situation to your friends, they should understand. If not, my phrase would be… I wonder why they are not hearing what you are saying. I wonder how they are able to balance their studies, extracurricular activities, and friends. I never ask a question, but rather pose a thought.
Q: What should we do if your old friends and new friends don’t get along?
A: Address both groups. If you are my friend, you will understand that I support you all. I wish you would all come together, but since you cannot, it is difficult for me, as I like all of you. Forcing people to get along is not the answer, but hopefully things will smooth over in time. Many of these experiences that I have seen are simply due to a lack of understanding or jealousy.
Q: How can we handle peer pressure from a friend group? Especially if we feel that they are being unfair to someone or spreading rumors about them?
A: Goes back to having the confidence to be empowered to say/do something.
Q: When does a playful joke cross the line?
A: There is a saying that if the person cannot fix whatever is being said to them within 30 seconds, it is not a joke. If it attacks character, appearance, religion, race, political party, etc., there is no place for it to be said in a conversation as a “joke”.
Contributed by Aaliyana Abdullah, 8th grade
